christian living Archives - Faithful with a Few

3 Ways To Keep God In The Center Of Your Financial Chaos

With the beginning of a new year, the internet is a-buzz with resolutions about saving money and getting out of debt. We have a few of our own goals, and since our savings challenge went well last year, we are doing it again this year with a few changes.

As Christians, we share a lot on this site about finance from a Biblical perspective. We believe the Bible has answers for many of the financial situations people find themselves in, and that God’s desire is for us to have a healthy relationship with money as a resource, while not allowing the love of it to take root in our hearts (1 Timothy 6:10).

When we are weighed down by financial stress, or are singular-minded in our desire to overcome debt’s hold, it can become easy to focus on our own abilities or helplessness and forget that we have a heavenly Father who sees our situation, is in control of it, and actively involved in working it out for His glory!

I have to be reminded that my finances are not separate from anything else in my life, and certainly not separate from my spiritual life. The same Biblical truths that govern everything else, should apply to how I view my financial situation.

1. Remember That God Cares About Your Situation

Whether I’ve made made poor financial mistakes and gotten myself into a mess, or am doing well and trying to decide what to do with the surplus funds I am taking in – God cares! In the sermon on the Mount, Jesus reminds the people that our Heavenly Father knows what we need and that he will take care of us (Matthew 6:28-33). While we should (prayerfully) plan and be diligent, those things should not lead to unhealthy anxiety and worry. Whatever is out of our control can never be out of His!

We are not alone in our sea of financial concerns just as we are not alone in our relationships, in our problems, in our struggles with sin. As you consider your next step on your financial journey, remember Who is walking with you, and already has the future all mapped out.

2. Remember That God Has Given You the Ability to Be Content in Any Situation

Many Christians struggle with contentment: the inward state of satisfaction (regardless of the outer circumstances), yet that is what God wants from His children. Contentment does not equate to complacency or surrender, nor does it mean that you have to put on a pretense of joy in times of hardship.

In Philippians 4:11-13, Paul says, “Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

In many places, including the passage above, the Bible exhorts us to look to Christ as the source of our strength and our joy. Your happiness shouldn’t be determined by whether you can afford a certain luxury, or pay off your student loan. Those things are nice, but the contentment in your heart should not be affected by them, not if the true source of your happiness is the Lord.

3. Remember That God Will Use Your Life For His Glory

One of my favorite passages, and one I’ve heard many times in my life is Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” It used to make me feel great because it meant that eventually things were going to be okay.

But there is more than just the first half of the sentence, the last part is equally important “called according to His purpose”. Being a Christian means that my life is not my own, I follow and serve Christ. There are other passages that talk about the need for our focus to be on God and glorifying Him, like 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, or the end of the passage from the sermon on the Mount that I mentioned earlier – Matthew 6:33 “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you“.

Even though things may not happen in the time frame you’d like, or the way that you’d like them to turn out, remember that God’s plan for you is bigger than what you have for yourself. The things that we go through serve reasons that go beyond our temporal success or satisfaction. While we are alive, we are also being made holy, and sometimes that happens through trials (James 1:2-3). That is only one of many possible reasons, we may never know the answer to until we meet the Lord.

As you go through your financial journey this year, whether with hope, gusto, or trepidation, please remember that God is your source. He is your strength, and your great reward.

Every Sunday I am blessed to look at this scripture on a banner in front of me during our service, and it is one I think of daily. I pray it will bless you also as you focus on God:

Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight”.

Setting Our Goals Based On God’s Word

By // by Khaleef Crumbley

Since we are at the beginning of a new year, many of us will take the time to reflect on the past year to look on our accomplishments and failures, as well as make plans and set goals for the next year. For the Christian however, we must not only consider the goal but we must look at what motivates us.

Setting Our Goals Based On God’s Word

The Bible makes it clear that it is not enough to think about what we do, but we are to think about who we are – our character, our desires, and our passions. God is much more interested in who we are than what we do; because who we are should ultimately control our actions.

Many times when the Bible gives a command, or we are exhorted to do something, we are usually given the motivation or reward behind those actions. Paul said in 2 Corinthians 5:14 that he was constrained (or controlled) by the love of God. He later told the Philippians that he, “press[ed] on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus“. There was something that was motivating him – the eternal promises of God, and the love of Christ – it wasn’t just about checking off a list of achievements!

Ephesians 4:25-32: A Model Of Biblical Goal Setting

If we were to go through the Bible and examine all of the key commands and admonishments, and take a look at the promises or even logical reasoning and motivations for them, this article would turn into book; so instead, I want us to look at one passage of Scripture to see how our behavior (in essence, our goals) should be directly tied to a strong and godly motivation.

Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. 26 Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and do not give the devil an opportunity. 28 He who steals must steal no longer; but rather he must labor, performing with his own hands what is good, so that he will have something to share with one who has need. 29 Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. 30 Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. ~ Ephesians 4:25-32

In Ephesians 4:25-32, we are given a list of God’s goals for our lives. Even the specific motivations given for these goals have at their foundation a deeper goal – to “not grieve the Holy Spirit of God…” (verse 30). In an overall sense, we are to do this by following what is laid out in Ephesians 4:22-24 – that we should “lay aside the old self”, be renewed in our way of thinking, and then put on a new way of living (the entire second half of the book of Ephesians is about our walk – how we conduct ourselves in the world). These 3 steps provide us with an outline for our worthy walk (verse 1).

So in each of these commands (in verses 25-32), we are admonished to stop doing something, replace that sinful behavior with something else, and then we are given the reason or motivation for this change. So we can see from this list of imperatives that the motivation is just as, or perhaps even more, important than the actual goal.

We will look at each one of these briefly to show why and how we can make these goals a part of what we’re trying to accomplish in our lives, as well as applying this way of thinking and living to all goals that we want to set:

Goal #1 – Being Truthful (Eph. 4:25)

The Sin To Put Off – Therefore, laying aside falsehood

The Virtue To Put On – Speak truth each one of you with his neighbor

Our Motivation – For we are members of one another

Here we are given the command to lay aside falsehood. Not only does this refer to outright lying, but it also speaks of deceitful motives and actions (making false excuses, breaking promises, etc). Every day our goal needs to be putting off lying and all sorts of falsehood.

The great thing about this section is that we are not simply given a command and then left to figure the rest out on our own. Paul next instructs us to speak the truth with our neighbors (cf. Zechariah 8:16-17). By practicing being truthful, we will be in a better position to overcome the temptation to lie when it comes around. We can more easily put this sin to death because we are now practicing godly behavior in its place!

Of course we are not able to do any of this without the power of God working within us (cf. Eph. 1:19-20, 3:20), but that is beyond the scope of this article.

So after Paul gives us the command to stop being deceitful, and then encourages us to replace that with the characteristic of being consistently truthful, he then shows us why we need to do this. The motivation for these goals is the fact that “we are members of one another“. Now, we can’t unpack all that this means here, but it is enough to say that we are all members of the body of Christ (1 Corinthians 12:12), we are called to love each other (1 John 3:11-5:4), and we have all been adopted into the family of God (Romans 8:12-17).

So, our goal is the laying aside the old man’s sinful propensity to lie and putting on the character of truthfulness. This is to be motivated by the fact that we are now members of one another, through Christ, and we are empowered by the Holy Spirit to accomplish this.

Goal #2 – Dealing With Anger In A Biblical Manner (Eph. 4:26-27)

The Sin To Put Off – Sinful Anger (or allowing righteous anger to lead to sin)

The Virtue To Put On – Examining the reasons behind your anger, and getting things right (immediately)

Our Motivation – Do not give the devil an opportunity

It would seem here that Paul is making the case for a righteous anger – hating immorality, injustice, blasphemy, and and sin in general – as Jesus did (cf. Matthew 21:12, Mark 3:5, and John 2:15 – note that the temple cleansings recorded here are 2 separate events [John at the beginning & Matthew at the end of His earthly ministry], which indicates that this wasn’t just a rash reaction). Again, this one verse can (and should) take up and entire sermon, so we don’t have room to exegete every detail. But I’ll share a few of my observations…

First, even if this is discussing righteous anger (sometimes referred to as righteous indignation), the verse still indicates that even righteous anger can lead to sin and bitterness, and needs to be dealt with in the proper way once it is identified. The second thing to note is that if righteous anger can lead to bitterness, then it’s a given that unrighteous anger (that which comes from impatience, discontentment, pride, or a lack of faith among other things) can lead to bitterness and other kinds of sin if it isn’t confessed and put to death immediately. In either case, we are simply told that we are not to sin in response to our anger.

Instead of allowing our anger to lead to sin, we are to deal with the issue and get it right as soon as possible. If you become angry with a person, then you are to work things out with them as soon as you are physically able. Even if you are not able to before the literal setting of the sun, you are to forgive them (in your heart) as soon as possible, and then work through it with them whenever time allows. Allowing anger to go unchecked will cause bitterness to settle in your heart and lead to all kinds of sin (Hebrews 12:15).

By examining our heart for unchecked anger (and even frustrations) and attempting to get those things right as soon as possible, we will avoid “giv[ing] the devil an opportunity”. This literally means to not give the devil “a place” (it’s translated “leave room” [NASB] in Romans 12:19), and I think it really shows just how subtle he can be when our anger is not dealt with biblically and immediately. When we don’t follow this command, we are actually giving the devil a place from which he can more easily entice us to sin.

So, our goal is to be sure that we handle both righteous and unrighteous anger in a biblical manner. We do this by constantly examining our reactions and our heart to ensure that any anger is dealt with immediately. We do this because we are motivated by the fact that not doing so will give the devil “a place” or “an opportunity” to tempt us to sin.

Goal #3 – Working With Integrity (Eph. 4:28)

The Sin To Put Off – Stealing

The Virtue To Put On – Hard Work

Our Motivation – So that [you] will have something to share with one who has need

The command here is pretty simple, “he who steals must steal no longer“! Stealing here refers to the act of taking anything that doesn’t belong to you. It doesn’t just mean physical possessions, but can extend to time, money (many do this by not working as hard as they should for their employer), mismanaging something over which you were made a steward, and countless other areas. God is very clear and direct about this…if you are stealing in any form, stop it!

Instead of stealing to provide for ourselves and our families, we are to engage ourselves in honest, hard work. Hard work is the primary means by which we are to support ourselves (cf. 2 Thessalonians 3:6-15 esp. 10, and 1 Timothy 5:8), and it is the perfect way to put off the temptation to steal. Stealing really does show a lack of faith in God’s ability to provide, and it is something that we all need to root out of our lives. Just because you aren’t taking clothes from the local department store doesn’t mean you aren’t stealing.

Even though we talked about hard work being the primary means by which we are to support ourselves, God gives us another motivation for making this a goal: We are to work hard so that we will have something to share with one who has need! We saw this type of attitude at work when the church was first being established (Acts 2:44-45, 4:32-37, 20:33-35), and it is how we are to be toward each other today (cf. 1 Timothy 5:3-16 esp. 9-16).

I am sure that hard work is a part of many goals/resolutions this year, but we should really dig deep and ask ourselves what the motivation is behind that goal. Do we just want to be rich so we can feel secure (1 Timothy 6:17-19, Matthew 6:33)? Are we seeking wealth because we think it (or what we can buy) will make us happy (Mark 8:36-37)? Are we trying to work hard for a promotion so that men will esteem us because of our title/position (Galatians 1:10)?

So even as we evaluate a noble goal such as working hard and refusing to steal, we have to make sure that part of our motivation (see Eph. 6:5-8 for another part) ought to be the fact that we want to have something to share with one who has need. Our love for Christ and our brothers & sisters should be what propels us to strive in this area daily.

Goal #4 – Godly Communication (Eph. 4:29)

The Sin To Put Off – Unwholesome Speech

The Virtue To Put On – Wise & Edifying Conversation

Our Motivation – So that it will give grace to those who hear

Now Paul moves on to our speech. The command is that we not let any “unwholesome” words come our of our mouths. The Greek word for “unwholesome” literally means “rotten” or “foul”, and gives the idea of spoiled, putrid meat. As Christians, we are not to allow these rotten, corrupt words come out of our mouths. In Matthew 15:18-19, Jesus said…

“But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders.”

This shows us that the things that come out of our mouths are an accurate representation of what is going on in our hearts! James 3:6 tells us that the tongue “…defiles the entire body“. The fact that we now have a new heart means that these evil, corrupt, rotten words should not so easily come out of the mouths of Christians (cf. James 3:3-12, esp. 9-12).

Instead of the rotten or foul speech that was a part of our “old man” (Colossians 3:5-8), our goal should be the consistent use of edifying words (words that build others up). Our speech should be characterized by encouraging, helpful, instructive, beneficial words – this should be true even when we must point out sin or correct wrong thinking/doctrine (Proverbs 15:23, 25:11-12).

The motivation that we are given for changing our speech is the benefit that it will provide to others. Paul says that we are to cultivate a heart and tongue that works to edify, “so that it [our speech] will give grace to those who hear“. The idea of our speech being graceful calls to mind the command found in Colossians 4:6, “Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person“.

The fact that we now have the power to put on the new man, and speak words that can minister grace to others should motivate our goal to put away unwholesome words and instead, edify one another.

So again we are given a command/goal of putting off and putting on, and we are also given a motivation for that goal. This time, the way in which we communicate with others is in view.

A Summary Of Our Goals/Commands (Eph. 4:31-32)

Paul then gives a summary of all the changes that occur once we are rescued from the kingdom of darkness (Eph. 2:1-7). He first mentions all of the things we are to put aside, then he lists the things we should do. Instead of just firing off a list of commands, he gets more at the root of what causes the actions he mentioned earlier:

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. ~ Ephesians 4:31-32

These are things that can be the underlying cause of some of the sins which he gave more attention in the previous verses. So the goal to avoid all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander, and malice should lead to putting off falsehood, sinful anger, stealing, and unwholesome words. The same is true with being kind, tender-hearted, and forgiving others as God has forgiven us.

We are given an underlying motivation for not only this summary section, but all of the commands/goals listed in the larger section: “Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.” ~Ephesians 4:30

Our ultimate motivation for putting off these sinful behaviors is the fact that the Holy Spirit of God will be grieved if we don’t. So, on top of all the other motivation that we are given here, knowing that the Holy Spirit will be grieved when we continue in the sinful behaviors from which we have been saved and freed, is what should cause us to put these sins to death!

Following A Biblical Model For Setting Goals

In this passage we see a wonderful model for setting goals. Not only is the end result important, but we also need to make sure that we have a godly motivation.

Having A Biblical Motivation

Of course, these and other biblical goals should come first and we should be motivated by all of the exhortations, promises, and warnings found in scripture. We aren’t just following a list of dos and don’ts, trying to earn favor with men or even God by doing certain things, but we are actually “work[ing] out our salvation with fear and trembling” Philippians 2:12. We are compelled by the love of Christ to live out the faith which is within us.

We are told to, “be holy, for [God] is holy” (1 Peter 1:16), and we are even exhorted to let our focus on the future promises of God impact our behavior/mindset here on earth (2 Peter 3:10-18). Motivation is everything to God. He looks at the heart, rather than the outward appearance (1 Samuel 16:7), which is why being merely a hearer of the word is useless, and even sinful (James 1:22-27).

Examining Our Hearts Is The Key: Seeking To Glorify God

Before we set any goal, we need to examine our heart and our motives to ensure that we are seeking to honor God. If your goal is to lose weight, make sure you are doing it to honor God with your body (which is really His – 1 Corinthians 6:19-20), rather than to turn heads when you walk down the street.

If your goal is to save money, check your heart to make sure that you are not looking to a huge savings account or wealth in general to provide you with security, but that instead you gain your motivation from the command found in 1 Timothy 6:17-19!

There are many other common goals that we may set for ourselves, but when we examine our motivation, very little (if any of it) has to do with bringing glory to God. We are told in 1 Corinthians 10:31, that everything we do, no matter how mundane, should be done in order to bring glory to God:

Whether, then, you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

If our goals and motivations do not line up with this principle, then we need to do some serious heart-searching and prayer in order to get our goal in line with God’s will. Setting goals, no matter how noble and praise-worthy from a human standpoint, can easily be worthless at best, or even sinful in God’s eyes.

Reader Questions:

How easy do you find it to set goals without considering God’s will?
Why is it so rare to find the type of godly goals mentioned here or in other passages, in our own list of goals/resolutions?
How often do you examine your goals to see if your motivation is godly or just a part of you seeking your own glory?

True Christian Conduct

By // by Khaleef Crumbley

The one another verses of the bible remind me how fruitless it is to focus on God-honoring finances if we dishonor God by failing to love our brothers and sisters in the faith. This was something that our Lord condemned in the Pharisees (Matthew 23:23). This thought was placed upon my heart recently, and I wanted to share it with you.

My wife and I drove down to her parents house for an early Memorial Day celebration. While we were having a conversation about God and Christian living, my mother-in-law shared with us a passage from her daily devotional (I believe it was Our Daily Bread). It focused on how we, as Christians, are to conduct ourselves toward one another.

The One Another Verses

We are to:

Love one another – John 13:35 – By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.

Admonish one another – Romans 15:14 – And concerning you, my brethren, I myself also am convinced that you yourselves are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge and able also to admonish one another.

Bear one another’s burdens – Galatians 6:2 – Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.

Be kind to one another – Ephesians 4:32 – Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Be subject to one another – Ephesians 5:21 – …and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.

Comfort one another – 1 Thessalonians 4:18 – Therefore comfort one another with these words.

Live in peace with one another – 1 Thessalonians 5:13 – …and that you esteem them very highly in love because of their work. Live in peace with one another.

Confess sin to one another – James 5:16 – Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.

Be hospitable to one another – 1 Peter 4:9 – Be hospitable to one another without complaint.

Living Out These Admonitions

This is not an exhaustive list of the one another verses in scripture, but these examples serve to show as a breadth of service and selflessness we should extend to other Christians. It reminds me of Christ’s example of humility and service in Philippians 2, as He humbled himself, to the point of death, on our behalf.

By nature, I am a very private person and I tend to keep to myself – that makes it difficult to be obedient to some these commands. I have noticed that the more time I spend in prayer and in studying God’s word, the easier it gets to obey God. This is one of the reasons we are commanded to “pray without ceasing” (1 Thessalonians 5:17), and to “lay aside [our] old self” (Ephesians 4:22).

I am going to be sure to incorporate each one of these things into my prayers every day! It is not enough for us to wear the title “Christian”, but we are to be transformed into the image of our Lord Jesus Christ (Romans 12:2; 2 Corinthians 5:17).

I ask that every believer reading this continue to pray that my wife and I will submit to God in these areas, and that our love for God will be displayed in how we act toward our brothers and sisters in Christ!

Reader Questions

How do you ensure to have these character traits when relating to fellow believers?

What advice would you give to someone who is seeking to follow these commands?

How do you handle struggling in these areas?

I would love to read your comment below.

Compartmentalized Christianity – Hiding Parts Of Your Heart From God?

By // by Sherrian Crumbley

When I was younger, I compartmentalized many things, and there were areas of my life and myself that never “touched”. As a pastor’s kid, there was my public life where I was polite and smiled and played my role. Privately,I was a whole other person.

As a Christian, I treated God the same way. I didn’t realize it until looking back, but clearly my attitude was “Come into my heart…oh, not that corridor!” or “Yes, Holy Spirit please sanctify me…but let’s not go there”. I clearly wanted a religion and relationship that was on my own terms, and a transformation that was based on my own comfort.

One of the scriptures that come to my mind with this is Revelation 3:20:

¹⁹As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.

²⁰Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.

As I stated before, in my post on the wilderness, Christ here is speaking to believers as this letter is written to the church at Laodicea. It’s important to point this out because this scripture is often used for evangelistic purposes. Here, Jesus (whom the recipients have) is at the door asking to be let in. He was confronting a people who clearly had not allowed Christ to permeate their whole being!

I bring this up on this website, because many times our finances are one of those compartmentalized topics. I’ve known many believers who are comfortable as long as they’re tithing, but refuse to invite God to the finances that the church can’t see. They are ashamed of their debt and bad decisions. Many are too proud to ask the church for help when emergencies happen. Others know that the consequences of some of their financial decision-making was wrought in sin, but it becomes easier to justify those actions, than repent.

Finances are a great example of this, but the breadth of this behavior goes so much deeper. Many of us have it in our minds that God doesn’t have anything to do with the mundane occurrences in our daily lives. The truth is, not only does He have a part to play in every detail, but we should also invite God into every detail.

There is nothing we put our hands to that shouldn’t be prayed about. There isn’t a conversation we enter that doesn’t need the Lord’s leading so we guard our hearts from slander, gossip, or the selfishness of our own opinions. There isn’t one decision that should not be taken to God in prayer where we surrender to His will above all else.

Having a recognition of God in everything we do allows us to be open to the Holy Spirit’s sanctifying work in our lives and sensitive to His leading. It also allows us to recognize God’s magnificence and the wisdom to be humbled by it.

Many of us have places in us where we need to let the Light in. For some, it may be areas of hurt that are tender to the touch. For others it could be ignorance that every area of our life should be a reflection of the life of Christ in us. There are so many scenarios where Jesus is standing at the door.

My brother or sister who is reading this, please be encouraged that Jesus sees, He cares, and He understands those undisclosed areas of your heart and life.

Hebrews 4:15 For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.

My prayer for us, as believers, is that we would yield every area of our lives to the Lord. I pray that we allow the Holy Spirit to do His perfect work in us, so that we will continuously grow into the image of Christ.

“Christ says ‘Give me All. I don’t want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want You. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don’t want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down. . . . Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked — the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours.'”
-C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Have you noticed this tendency to compartmentalize things in your own life?

Have you realized there were situations and circumstances you were dealing with while leaving God out of the picture?

What are some steps you have taken to ensure God is at the forefront of the various aspects of your life?

Have You Committed Financial Infidelity?

By // by Sherrian Crumbley

By now, we have all heard that financial issues are the most common reason for divorce, many times with underlying financial infidelity as a cause. With a society that is built on credit and sustaining debt, it isn’t surprising that the stress of this “normalcy” would affect our relationships.

I was reading a newsletter the other day and found interesting survey results by Nefe.org:

Financial infidelity can be just as significant among couples as emotional/sexual infidelity. This survey finds that one in three people who combine finances with their partner admit to committing a financial deception. The study also finds that 76 percent of these secretive behaviors are having an effect on the relationship.

I have often thought about this issue in my own life, not realizing this is a serious issue in the life of many people! So much so that Wikipedia even has a definition for financial infidelity:

Financial infidelity is the secretive act of spending money, possessing credit and credit cards, holding secret accounts or stashes of money, borrowing money, or otherwise incurring debt unknown to one’s spouse, partner, or significant other. Adding to the monetary strain commonly associated with financial infidelity in a relationship is a subsequent loss of intimacy and trust in the relationship. Financial infidelity appears to be on the rise, with a 2005 study showing that 30% of respondents had lied about financial information and 25% had withheld information,whereas a 2008 study showed that half the respondents had committed some form of financial infidelity.

Financial Infidelity – My Story

I wish I could say I haven’t been guilty of this, but I have been. There are a couple issues I’ve had to face in figuring out how to work with my husband and our finances. One got sorted out before we got married. The other came in time, quite a bit of time 😳 .

Financial independence has been something my mother instilled in me since a young child. She would always quote my grandmother (Imagine an older Jamaican woman of Indian descent) saying something like, “Whenever you go out with a guy, make sure you have enough money to take a taxi home.” For my mom, and later myself, the lesson was to never allow yourself to be totally dependent on anyone for anything – EVER.

I grew up being used to my mom having stashes of money kept away for emergencies. When I became an adult, she and I even opened up a savings account for her to stock pile emergency funds. My father always knew she always had some money ferreted away, but I honestly don’t know how he felt about it. I thought it was smart because she would never drown, or cause her family to drown, if she didn’t agree with some of my dad’s financial decisions.

While Khaleef and I were dating and he came to know more about my family, he let me know that ferreting away wasn’t acceptable. I remember feeling defiant, still deciding that I will always protect myself regardless of what he thought. After a lot of discussion, consideration, and prayer, I knew that behavior was dishonest and would diminish the trusting relationship we were trying to build.

The second behavior I had to curb was my “better to ask for forgiveness than permission” attitude. Anyone who knows Khaleef knows he is a very laid back guy (that is, unless he is watching a sport event or competing in one). Instead of discussing certain purchases with him and contemplating if we could afford it, I opted to buy things and just inform him afterward. There have been countless times when I have taken him for granted by purchasing items I’ve wanted, because he would never get angry with me.

I often justified my behavior by insisting it was not a big deal because I am not a big spender. I would spend a few dollars here or there, not considering how those little purchases were setting us back from our goal of getting out of debt. This only changed in my life because I came to realize how manipulative and selfish I was being, and through a lot of prayer and spiritual growth was it able to be overcome.

Although we did not deal with this together, a huge part of the change in my heart was confessing to him and asking for his forgiveness.

Steps to Recovering from Financial Infidelity

As you can see from my story and the definition, there are different ways of committing financial infidelity. As you traverse this landscape of getting your finances together, here are 3 things you should do to start mending your relationship if you have been financially unfaithful.

1. Confess – As I stated in my story, the beginning of my behavioral change was confessing and asking for forgiveness. This may be hard for many of us because our minds are great at justifying the behavior. Ask yourself, how important is your relationship? How important is your pride?

Some people keep things from their significant other, having convinced themselves that they are protecting the other person and can handle things alone. This attitude, for instance, does not build trust but tears it down. It diminishes the other person’s role and robs them of the chance of growing as a person, and as a couple, through the difficulties.

Even though it may not be easy, convenient, or comfortable – by confessing, you are able to clear the air and make decisions based on truth, not deception.

2. Commit – After confessing, all is not well because you got it off your chest. The next step is committing to your partner to strive toward a new direction. My pastor always says “it’s not the perfection of your life, it’s the direction of your life” and I think it’s very poignant in this scenario.

You are not promising to be perfect, because we do make mistakes. What you are doing, is guaranteeing that your mind and convictions have changed about your behavior. You will no longer just settled for the way things were before.

3. Cooperate – Many times, financial infidelity occurs because someone is leaving another person out of some financial details, or neither person knows how to have a discourse about the issues. Even though this may also be difficult, it is important that both parties be involved in what’s happening in your financial life. Even if one person handles the finances, it would be a worthy goal to ensure the other person is involved and equally able to identify and articulate the nuances of your finances.

As in other areas of relationships, there is always hope. Trust can be rebuilt, and in time (sometimes A LOT of time) broken situations can be healed. Identifying financial infidelity doesn’t have to be the end, it can be the building of a stronger relationship than ever before!

Have you committed financial infidelity? Are you the recipient of someone else’s financial dishonesty? How have you overcome these behaviors?

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