Marriage Archives - Faithful with a Few

Have You Committed Financial Infidelity?

By now, we have all heard that financial issues are the most common reason for divorce, many times with underlying financial infidelity as a cause. With a society that is built on credit and sustaining debt, it isn’t surprising that the stress of this “normalcy” would affect our relationships.

I was reading a newsletter the other day and found interesting survey results by Nefe.org:

Financial infidelity can be just as significant among couples as emotional/sexual infidelity. This survey finds that one in three people who combine finances with their partner admit to committing a financial deception. The study also finds that 76 percent of these secretive behaviors are having an effect on the relationship.

I have often thought about this issue in my own life, not realizing this is a serious issue in the life of many people! So much so that Wikipedia even has a definition for financial infidelity:

Financial infidelity is the secretive act of spending money, possessing credit and credit cards, holding secret accounts or stashes of money, borrowing money, or otherwise incurring debt unknown to one’s spouse, partner, or significant other. Adding to the monetary strain commonly associated with financial infidelity in a relationship is a subsequent loss of intimacy and trust in the relationship. Financial infidelity appears to be on the rise, with a 2005 study showing that 30% of respondents had lied about financial information and 25% had withheld information,whereas a 2008 study showed that half the respondents had committed some form of financial infidelity.

Financial Infidelity – My Story

I wish I could say I haven’t been guilty of this, but I have been. There are a couple issues I’ve had to face in figuring out how to work with my husband and our finances. One got sorted out before we got married. The other came in time, quite a bit of time 😳 .

Financial independence has been something my mother instilled in me since a young child. She would always quote my grandmother (Imagine an older Jamaican woman of Indian descent) saying something like, “Whenever you go out with a guy, make sure you have enough money to take a taxi home.” For my mom, and later myself, the lesson was to never allow yourself to be totally dependent on anyone for anything – EVER.

I grew up being used to my mom having stashes of money kept away for emergencies. When I became an adult, she and I even opened up a savings account for her to stock pile emergency funds. My father always knew she always had some money ferreted away, but I honestly don’t know how he felt about it. I thought it was smart because she would never drown, or cause her family to drown, if she didn’t agree with some of my dad’s financial decisions.

While Khaleef and I were dating and he came to know more about my family, he let me know that ferreting away wasn’t acceptable. I remember feeling defiant, still deciding that I will always protect myself regardless of what he thought. After a lot of discussion, consideration, and prayer, I knew that behavior was dishonest and would diminish the trusting relationship we were trying to build.

The second behavior I had to curb was my “better to ask for forgiveness than permission” attitude. Anyone who knows Khaleef knows he is a very laid back guy (that is, unless he is watching a sport event or competing in one). Instead of discussing certain purchases with him and contemplating if we could afford it, I opted to buy things and just inform him afterward. There have been countless times when I have taken him for granted by purchasing items I’ve wanted, because he would never get angry with me.

I often justified my behavior by insisting it was not a big deal because I am not a big spender. I would spend a few dollars here or there, not considering how those little purchases were setting us back from our goal of getting out of debt. This only changed in my life because I came to realize how manipulative and selfish I was being, and through a lot of prayer and spiritual growth was it able to be overcome.

Although we did not deal with this together, a huge part of the change in my heart was confessing to him and asking for his forgiveness.

Steps to Recovering from Financial Infidelity

As you can see from my story and the definition, there are different ways of committing financial infidelity. As you traverse this landscape of getting your finances together, here are 3 things you should do to start mending your relationship if you have been financially unfaithful.

1. Confess – As I stated in my story, the beginning of my behavioral change was confessing and asking for forgiveness. This may be hard for many of us because our minds are great at justifying the behavior. Ask yourself, how important is your relationship? How important is your pride?

Some people keep things from their significant other, having convinced themselves that they are protecting the other person and can handle things alone. This attitude, for instance, does not build trust but tears it down. It diminishes the other person’s role and robs them of the chance of growing as a person, and as a couple, through the difficulties.

Even though it may not be easy, convenient, or comfortable – by confessing, you are able to clear the air and make decisions based on truth, not deception.

2. Commit – After confessing, all is not well because you got it off your chest. The next step is committing to your partner to strive toward a new direction. My pastor always says “it’s not the perfection of your life, it’s the direction of your life” and I think it’s very poignant in this scenario.

You are not promising to be perfect, because we do make mistakes. What you are doing, is guaranteeing that your mind and convictions have changed about your behavior. You will no longer just settled for the way things were before.

3. Cooperate – Many times, financial infidelity occurs because someone is leaving another person out of some financial details, or neither person knows how to have a discourse about the issues. Even though this may also be difficult, it is important that both parties be involved in what’s happening in your financial life. Even if one person handles the finances, it would be a worthy goal to ensure the other person is involved and equally able to identify and articulate the nuances of your finances.

As in other areas of relationships, there is always hope. Trust can be rebuilt, and in time (sometimes A LOT of time) broken situations can be healed. Identifying financial infidelity doesn’t have to be the end, it can be the building of a stronger relationship than ever before!

Have you committed financial infidelity? Are you the recipient of someone else’s financial dishonesty? How have you overcome these behaviors?

Photo by FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Today Is Our 7 Year Wedding Anniversary

By // by Khaleef Crumbley

Seven years ago today I became one with the woman of my dreams. Over the last seven years we have been through a lot in our marriage and I have been fortunate enough to be able to share some of my reflections after the fourth, fifth, and sixth years of marriage.

I won’t go repeating all those things here, because honestly I still feel exactly the same. I still know that an order from marriage to work, we have to serve, respect, and love each other the way that God commands; and honoring God needs to be the top priority in our marriage.

Celebrating Our 7 Year Wedding Anniversary

However, I do want to take the time to thank my wife for being the most amazing person to me. She continues to love and support me in so many ways. I don’t know where I would be without a woman like that by my side, and I thank God that I haven’t had to find out. She overlooks my shortcomings, forgives my mistakes, and always makes me feel loved and appreciated.

Over the last year, I would estimate that we have had our worst stretch physically in a very long time. We have talked about some of what we have gone through on our blogs and even my YouTube channel, but of course we haven’t shared all the details.

Us going through these difficult times has really seemed to bring us closer together. The more we have to rely on God and each other during times of suffering, the more our love continues to grow. So even with her chronic migraines, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, along with my Crohn’s disease, and extremely low testosterone with all of its symptoms, our marriage continues to thrive and I wouldn’t change a thing (except of course for me to be less sinful, less selfish, and more loving)!

I would really appreciate it if you took the time to read the articles linked above (I’ll link them here in case you’re too lazy to scroll up) that I wrote after four years, five years, and six years of being married – and share with us your thoughts and reflections.

To all of our family and friends, I just want to thank you for helping us build a strong and loving marriage. Your prayers, examples, and even the time you spend with us means a lot, and our marriage would not be where it is today without all of you.

To my wife: I love you, sweetheart, and I pray that God will give us many years together to continue to grow in Christ and grow in our love toward one another.

Don’t Get a Divorce – Unless You Can Afford To!

By // by Kevin M

It may seem strange to be talking about a topic like divorce on a personal finance blog. But I’m at that point in my life where even though I’ve never been through one myself, I’ve seen dozens of divorces, some involving family and close friends, and that has allowed me to see how the process works up close. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s that divorce is always about money! So here’s some financial planning advice: don’t get a divorce unless you can afford to!

No Matter What The Initial Reason, Divorce Always Comes Down To Finances

Whatever the initial stated reason for a divorce, it will ultimately come down to money. Once the couple separates and begin the divorce proceedings, it’s matter of hammering out a workable divorce settlement which will become legally binding. This is where money will become the central issue, even if it wasn’t a declared problem at the beginning.

The process then takes on the form of either a) trying to preserve income and assets, or b) trying to get a greater share of the others resources. Once that dynamic takes root, the reasons for the divorce become history, and the entire arrangement morphs into an attempt to negotiate a better money deal. A union born in love is reduced to a competition for dollars and cents.

Please don’t see this claim as an attack on women. As a woman, you are increasingly on the defensive side of this equation. Many women today earn more money and have more money than their soon-to-be ex-spouses. I know of several situations where the woman lost financially.

In one such divorce, the wife was the clear breadwinner while the husband did little in life. Upon divorce, he was required to pay some small amount of child support, while she was ordered to pay a much larger amount in alimony. And then there was the asset transfer. From a financial standpoint, she was the clear loser in the arrangement.

Most Divorces Are Caused By The “I’m Not Happy” And “Problem X Is Your Fault” Syndromes

Each divorce seems to start out with credible sounding reasons for going forward. Some reasons are truly serious, some mostly sound serious, and many more are plain frivolous to a reasonable mind.

When I was a kid, you didn’t get a divorce unless there was demonstrated physical abuse, rampant drug or alcohol abuse, or repeated infidelity or abandonment. But we live in a different world now – you can get a divorce for just about any reason.

The divorces I’ve seen always come down to some variation of either “I’m not happy (and it’s your fault)” or “we have Problem X (and that’s your fault too)”. I’m not sure why that is, but I’m going to guess that TV and the “you deserve to be happy in life” guru’s have a hand in it. We’re not content to have a reasonably good life, we also need to be happy – what ever that represents.

More significantly, I think this also drives the money chase in divorces. Pursuing happiness, after all, takes a certain amount of money. A divorce settlement, apparently, is a good place to start. And if it isn’t enough, you can even renegotiate later.

A Divorce Can Be The Biggest Financial Disaster In Your Life

We are often fascinated by the financial details of divorces involving the rich and famous. The prospect of millions of dollars in income, assets, and property being transferred from one party to the other can seem almost exciting. Perhaps it’s because we can project ourselves into the recipient’s shoes, and maybe even wish that was us. It’s not a stretch – it’s a suspected reason why juries will often award outsized settlements in civil lawsuits. It’s what they’d want a jury to do if they were bringing a suit.

If you’re not rich and famous however, the financial aspects of divorce can be even more devastating. A couple who were struggling financially during their marriage will see their financial situations get worse. Think about a middle-class family struggling to maintain a single household, that will now have to maintain two following a divorce. Not only will there be two house payments to make, but there will be all the other expenses that go with maintaining separate living arrangements.

The couple’s income will not rise as a result of the divorce, however their expenditures will grow substantially. In the end, that will improve no one’s situation.

Then there are legal fees. The dirty little secret of divorce (and of all legal disputes) is that no matter which party wins or loses, the lawyers always win.

We also have to think about how this works in an economy with fewer financial options than in the past. Job losses are common today, and one of the best protections against this is the two income couple. That disappears upon divorce, forcing each former spouse to fend for themselves in a crisis. And that’s often handled by re-petitioning the court for still more income and assets.

In addition, the emotional stress of a divorce can cause one or both spouses to experience a decline in income. Who will benefit from that?

If money has anything to do with why you want a divorce, you may want to rethink following through. Very few people improve their financial situation after a divorce, and many more see a steep decline.

In everything that we do, we always need to first consider the cost. Where divorce is concerned the financial costs are enormous.

You may go into divorce court thinking that you’ll come out driving a 2013 Mercedes. But don’t be surprised if you don’t instead come out driving a 1973 Ford Pinto.

Yes, there are times when there truly is no choice. But think long and hard if your circumstances really rise to that level. If not, you have more incentive to make your marriage work.

photo credit: mintlipgloss via photopin cc

Why You and Your Spouse Need a Regular Date Night

By // by Kevin M

Remember how much fun dating was before you were married? It didn’t have to stop once you got married, or even when you had children. For a variety of reasons, having a regular date night may be more important after you are married that it was before.

{Here are some frugal Valentine’s Day ideas for husbands and wives!}

Date Night For Married Couples: Why It Is So Important

You Never Want To Become Part Of Each Others Routine

It’s inescapable that as a married couple you can very easily blend into one another’s routine. By that I mean that there are certain habits and pastimes that come about as a result of sharing a household. You’ll eat dinner at a certain time nearly every day, watch the same TV programs, clean house, pay bills and even work out as part of an ongoing routine.

Just as it was when you were growing up in your family, there’s an incredible tendency to take one another for granted. Each spouse becomes a part of the routine for the other. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that it’s the beginning of becoming invisible to each other.

It is possible for a married couple to drift apart even though they’re living together. The problem is that you’re not living a life, but going through the motions of a routine. That can wreak havoc on a marriage.

Having a regular date night is a way to break out of that routine. Even though dating itself can be a form of routine, you are removing yourselves from the familiarity of your home and all that you normally do there. That will be an opportunity to refresh your relationship.

Date Night Is A Chance To Re-establish Your Status As A Couple

A date night will help you maintain your status as a couple, and re-establish it if the idea has gotten lost. This is more important than most married couples realize.

We all understand the importance of family. It has different components: parent/child, father/son, mother/daughter, mother/son, and father/daughter. This will be true even if you have extended family members living with you, such as an elderly parent. That will still take on the parent/child relationship, even if the dynamic of that relationship has changed.

The husband/wife bond however is unique among family relationships. It is the one relationship in a typical household in which the pair are not joined by blood or lineage. It is a relationship born of mutual attraction.

That mutual attraction was fed early in your relationship in part at least by spending time with each other apart from everyone else. That’s no less important after you’ve been married for many years than it was the beginning.

No matter how long you’ve been married, you’re still a couple, so it’s important to get involved in activities specifically suited to couples. If this step is eliminated, the couple connection begins to loosen and become progressively less important. Having a regular date night is the perfect way to avoid this outcome.

It’s making a statement that your relationship as a couple is important enough to invest time in. You both need to know that, and a date night is an action step in that direction.

Removing Outside Distractions

One part of a date night that’s really important is removing outside distractions. If you have been married for a least a few years, it’s very easy to become mentally and emotionally wrapped up in lifestyle and circumstances. This is particularly true if you have children or other family members living with you. The other family members can become the focal point of your relationship to the point that you forget that you ever had a relationship as a couple before they all came along.

As parents of two children, my wife and I have learned this only too well. We’ve often avoided going places as a couple – as in on a date – out of a desire to include our children in everything. While that may be natural for a parent, it isn’t practical or constructive. Sometimes you absolutely need physical distance from your children. A regular date night is a way to establish that as a reality in your life.

You also have to develop the discipline to get your children out of your head, at least for a night. If you can‘t, they will control your evening without even being there! Your thoughts and conversation will center on the kids, not on each other.

Date night has to be a married couples refuge from their routine. That means concentrating on each other, and on the activities that are planned for the evening. The whole purpose for a night out is for the two of you to be out together as a couple, and at least for a few hours, to put the rest of your life into a safe place while you simply enjoy each other’s company.

It’s Something You Have To Do If You Have Dependents

Kids can overwhelming you and take over your life! Not only do they have a lot of needs, but they also have boundless energy. And let’s face it, they’re also immature, which forces parents into a certain change of mindset. In an attempt to be a good parent, it’s not hard for you to allow your children to dominate your life. The has very real potential to interfere with your marriage.

As a married couple, you need get away from this on a regular basis and to do it as a couple. Even though you have children, you’re still an adult, and in a relationship with your spouse. Those elements of your personality and your life have to be nurtured, just as your children do.

Having a date night means getting away from your children, and that will not only strengthen your relationship as a couple, but can also help to give you the resolve that you need to raise your children as part of the relationship that you have with one another.

A date night can give you a little bit of time, and even a little bit of physical space, to nurture the relationship that your family was born from. Whether it’s once a week or once a month, or whatever arrangement you are comfortable with, it’s a part of your lives that you need to feed a regular basis.

photo credit top: Patrick Q via photopin cc

photo credit bottom: Ed Yourdon via photopin cc

Do you and your spouse have a regular date night?

Six Things That I Love About My Wife – Celebrating Our 6 Year Anniversary!

By // by Khaleef Crumbley

Today is our 6-year anniversary!!! 😀 If you recall, I shared some of my thoughts about marriage on our 4th anniversary two years ago, and I even did a recap of our 5th year of marriage on my weight loss blog.

Well, for this year, I wanted to share with you 6 reasons why I love my wife. Of course, there are a myriad of reasons why I love her, but since 6 is the number that I’m working with, I’ll have to limit my reasons. 😉

6 Reasons Why I Love My Wife

Proverbs 31:10 says, “An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels.” That is exactly how I feel about my wife. She is worth more to me than anything in this world; and, outside of my relationship with God through Jesus Christ, my marriage is the most precious thing I have!

I Love My Wife Because She Is A Godly Woman

My wife loves God and strives to be more like Christ every day! She feels sorrow over her sin, and she is constantly searching her heart (and asking God to do the same, see Psalms 139:23-24) looking for selfish/sinful motives for her actions.

This makes her a great model of a growing Christian.

I Love My Wife Because She Supports And Encourages Me

My wife supports and encourages me in everything that I do. Many of you know that I am trying to lose 100 lbs, and I have lost over 40 so far – I wouldn’t have been able to do it without the support of my wonderful wife!

Also, she supports my efforts to run a business on the side. With KNS Financial, LLC, I provide tax preparation, financial counseling, and I also manage over 20 websites! Now I am making a bunch of weight loss and fitness videos for my YouTube channel as well. In all of these things, she is right there alongside me, and works very hard taking care of the things that I no longer have time to do.

If I start listing all of the areas in which she provides support and encouragement, this post will last forever! I just realize that without God and Him working through my wife, none of these things would be possible.

I Love My Wife Because She Prays For Me

My wife is always asking me about my struggles, fears, challenges, and anything else that she can pray for. It is so comforting to know that she is praying for God to work in those areas.

It’s not just about the encouragement and comfort, but I know that God is all-powerful and He actually responds to our prayers – this means that if she is praying for God’s will in my life, I know that He is working! Through Christ and the Holy Spirit, her prayers are powerful, and I now have that power working on my behalf!

I Love My Wife Because She Encourages And Motivates Me To Live For God

She not only motivates me to be a godly man by the way that she lives, but also by her prayers and actions.

Knowing that she is praying for me in a particular area helps to motivate me to fight harder against the temptation to sin or to give up. This is for two reasons. First, I don’t want to let her down by constantly failing in the same area. Second, I know that someone is praying for me and that God will provide a way of escape, both in response to His promise (1 Corinthians 10:13) and her prayers (James 5:16)!

Also, by seeing her work so hard to be an excellent wife, it motivates me to be a more godly husband. I want to constantly have victory over my sins, so that she doesn’t become a victim of them or be influenced by them in any way.

I take note of how important it is for her to honor Christ in every area of her life, and I am motivated and encouraged to do the same.

I Love My Wife Because My Family And Friends Love Her

In the 4th anniversary post, I talked about the burden and stress that having meddling, ungodly, in-laws can bring to a marriage. I have seen so many people be affected by strife in the family.

We are thankful to God that we haven’t had to deal with that. My family and close friends all love Sherrian! It means so much to me that those who are closest to me have such a good relationship with my wife.

I love her for trying to build relationships with my family and friends, and for encouraging my relationships with them as well. There aren’t too many people that I can think of who are just friends with me, without being her friend as well. The same goes for my family – my wife can have a full conversation with my parents, siblings, cousins, aunts/uncles, and everyone else, without me even being there.

Even when we went down to North Carolina recently to see some family members whom we don’t see too often, she instantly got along with them.

It is such a blessing to not have to worry about my family and friends not getting along with my wife!

I Love My Wife Because She Is Patient With Me And She Forgives My Sins And Mistakes

I am such a sinful and selfish person (I know that all humans are, but I can be more than most), and even with that my wife remains patient with me. She forgives and overlooks so many of my faults and sins, and I love her for it.

Our marriage is as strong as it is right now because of how kind, tender, and loving she is toward me. I don’t think those traits show up any more vividly than when she responds to my selfish, sinful nature with love, patience, and forgiveness.

6 Bonus Reasons!

It was impossible to write a post like this and only list 6 reasons. I actually made a larger list and then worked it down to only six things. Most of the reasons above are spiritual in nature, so I figured that I can give you 6 more things that are a little more fun:

I Love My Wife Because She Keep My Mind Active And Engaged

We have such great conversations! She always challenges my mind and makes me think about things in a new way. I love that we are able to talk about so many different things, and we never run out of stuff to say to each other.

I know that 6 years may not seem like a lot, but we have actually known each other for around 12 years or so and I know that many marriages tend to get stale and boring after a while. I love her because every day with her is like a new adventure!

I Love My Wife Because She Is As Motivated To Get Out Of Debt As I Am

I hate debt, and I hate being in debt. Unfortunately, we are trying to pay off over $100,000 in debt right now! The good this is that she is just as motivated to get out of debt as I am. She doesn’t put pressure on me to go out and buy frivolous things or make unwise purchases.

Since I counsel people regarding their finances, I know how much of a strain having different financial goals and philosophies can be on a marriage! Even though some of our tastes are different (I’ll touch on that below ;-)), we are able to agree on the bigger picture – that we need to get out of debt bondage!

I Love My Wife Because She Actually Finds Me Attractive

So you all know that I’m a pretty big guy. I know that I am fat and I am shocked whenever someone thinks anything positive about my appearance.

In spite of that, my wife makes me feel like I’m a perfect physical specimen! I’m not going to go into much detail here, but just know that she has a way of making me feel safe and confident when I am with her.

It is a beautiful trait to be able to help someone see their own beauty, and my wife has that gift!

I Love My Wife Because Even When She Is Feeling Ill She Takes Care Of Me

It warms my heart so much to see my wife strive to take care of me even when she isn’t feeling well herself. I’m not just talking about a little cold or something like that; but my wife actually suffers from something that can be really severe at times! Even with that, she tries so hard to take care of me and our home, and when she physically isn’t able to, it breaks her heart.

That is the type of love that causes me to praise God that he gave her to me. The way she takes care of me and our home really touches my heart, and it helps me to see a real-life demonstration of God’s love!

I Love My Wife Because She Still Makes Me Laugh

I love to laugh and enjoy life. Anyone who knows me, knows that I can be extremely silly at times. If a situation isn’t extremely serious, I usually handle it with laughter and humor…especially if it’s something that would irritate or frustrate me otherwise (like bad drivers).

My wife is able to laugh with me and she makes me laugh as well. I think that part of the reason why we never really argue is because we are able to diffuse potentially volatile situations with laughter. Also, we can bring up things that bother us about the other, in a soft, sometimes humorous way, that makes it constructive.

I find so much joy in my wife and our marriage, and her ability to make me laugh is a big part of that!

I Love My Wife Because She Doesn’t Mind When I Pick On Her Horrible Taste In Music 😉

My wife’s taste in music can be BRUTAL at times! Now don’t get me wrong, she does like good music as well (in fact, her degree is in music), and there are a lot of things that we agree on; and I also understand that even the best of us can allow a bad song or two to sneak into our favorites list (not sure if that’s true of me, though).

However, my wife hasn’t just let one or two songs sneak in…it’s more like one or two THOUSAND!!! Anyway, the reason why I love her is because she doesn’t mind when I pick on her for this. It’s actually one of the cute things in our marriage. We have different tastes in a lot of areas (mainly the arts), and we are able to turn it into something fun rather than something to argue about.

I know it’s not a big thing to many, but I love the fact that we have so many little fun things like this that keep our marriage fresh and fun!

So there you go, I have so many reasons to love my wife, and I only listed 12 here. I pray that our marriage will continually move forward, and that we can grow closer to God and to each other for as long as He keeps us on this earth.

I love you muffin!!!

photo credit: Freedigitalphotos.net